How to forgive a cheating spouse

To forgive is a GREAT selfish act of self-preservation!
1. You need time to think; don't make any *rash* calls you will regret.
2. While you are thinking - somewhat rationally - you need to decide...but again; not rashly - it takes time - perhaps a seperation helps.
Do you WANT to forgive them and still have a relationship? It appears that you do because you asked HOW, not if you should, etc.... In that case; these are the things I would recommend and have seen work & done as well.

One hubber answered this question and said:
" Forgiving is realizing that we all come short of perfection through our actions..." the divine route - God stuff/mercy, etc...

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I say:

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The MAIN thing is, if we don't forgive, it only hurts US!! It doesn't hurt the person we are resenting - it eats US alive, not them. SO we forgive to be free - we have suffered enough.
To forgive is a selfish act of self-preservation!!

3. At first, as you know if it has happened to you, it rather feels like someone has DIED once you get over the initial shock/anger/betrayl/etc...parts.

Once you realize YOU didn't do it and nobody died and it ISN'T your fault - you may then experience the *DeadZone*; I know for my sister-in-law it took her 2 YEARS to get past it and she Did stay in the same house but he worked out of town. She expressed the feeling as - "It felt like someone I loved had died."

4. You must decide if you want to fix it-the both of you. Talking about it rationally and honestly - getting everything out on the table - why it happened, one night stand, long term affair? Long-term is MUCH harder to deal with and far more complex issues. It is not a one-sided (excuse the pin) affair, no matter HOW much you want to believe/think it is.

5. Learning the root cause is important - a neutral professional party is often VERY helpful as emotions generally are running high. If the cheater will not go to counseling, etc...with you - well, you have your answer - leave it. It can't work if they are not willing to try and to meet you at least half way. That they are, in fact, really SAD this happened; not sad they got caught! That they are truly deeply sorry and you *know* it.

There is Anger and betrayl on one side; and (assuming the cheater is usually Not a cheater and a decent person) - they feel shame and guilt. This is an enormous amount of emotion to get through and TIME and WORKing on it is KEY.

If the cheater shows or feels no remorse - I say it's a doomed relationship on any marital level. Leave it.

5. How much do you love/like them? IMPORTANT! I know people who stay together *for the kids* or their assets. If that is why - probably leave it. It isn't easy but how much does happiness mean to you?

Bottom line I feel, If you both really DO love each other - you CAN heal - IF you can figure out what went wrong; why it happened. EVERYONE makes mistakes....this all really hinges on how both parties FEEL being totally HONEST.

6. BIG - if you do choose to end it - find a way to LEAVE the Resentment or it will eat you alive. Resentments only hurt you - not the person you are resenting -- they have hurt you enough by now - don't let it fester and have resentment/revenge on your mind - it only hurts YOU and YOU have been hurt enough...no need to hurt Yourself by this further.

I would LOVE to see this expanded on in the comments - I will add good stuff to the hub article! :}

Good luck and may you heal - either way you really DO get to decide.